I'm going to go a bit extreme about this rant so don't take things too overboard. I need to get this off my shoulder and out of my head before I go crazy. Don't get your panties in a knot okay.
I am really thinking about the possibility of dropping out of college for a while again. I serious have issues and it's getting in the way of me having a normal healthy lifestyle and getting anything done. My family is in a state of crisis where all they care about is money. Sure I haven't finish college and yes I know I'm behind, but I can't handle everything all at once. They want to me hurry up and get my degree and make tons of money for them and be the trophy child and breadwinner. For fucking sakes I can barely keep a job right now. I up to the point where I have to choose. Cramming school up over my head like a zombie and take all the upper division courses in 1-2 semesters (yes all 10 classes that I have not taken or dropped at one point) OR quit school my senior year for 1-2 years (gets a full time job if there's still any left in this depressing economy save up and move the hell out of this area) then go back to college when I am more stable in mind and body.
Right now I'm sure there's gonna be a lot of people telling me I'm stupid and that there's a better way to deal with this. Easier said than done. Wanna walk in my shoes? NO? The STFU.
For my friends who follow up on me, I don't know what I should do anymore. School isn't easy I really can't handle this shit anymore. I had a mental breakdown again after fighitng with my Mother about how we're going poor and sending me to school isn't helping paying the bills.
Someone please kindly shoot me so I can go to Heaven early.
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The Hurt is Worse than the Pain
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Why did I choose to label the title as such? Because there are many levels of suffering that only the individual can comprehend. There are physical types and emotional/mental types. Both are equally as terrible as the other depending on the person. For me emotional torture is worse than the physical pain that I must endure in my life. "Sticks and stones may break my bone, but words really hurt me". The things that are said to me tear my soul apart and send me into this endless darkness which I tried to from all the time. It disappoints me that these words come from the very people who should be my top supporters. I feel like I'm at my ends again relapsing into a world of fake utopia. Pretending to be perfect to please them; it makes me sick to my stomach. The emotional whiplash is painful enough for me to block out any feelings in general and it feels as if I'm dead. In order not forget that self inflicted pain is my pleasure. I hate myself because I can not stop myself. I wish I could die without any attachment to this world.
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